October 29, 2004
Intercepted CBS E-mail
"Intercepted CBS e-mail"
by Sean Ferrell
Subject: Re: best weapon for destroying evidence
Dear Mr. Rather:
Thanks so much for your e-mail. While it is true that the assault weapons ban, also known as the Brady Bill, did lapse last week, it does not, unfortunately, mean that we are able to fill orders for assault weapons over the internet. However, we can provide you with information. Following are answers to the questions you posed in your e-mail to us.
First, the AK-47 does shoot 5.45mm bullets, as you guessed, so your current ammunition stash would work beautifully
with this item. As a side note, I think the AK a beautiful choice. It's the world's most popular automatic weapon and has enjoyed a wonderful
reputation since it's development in 1974.
Second, while I have no specific information on whether or not an AK-47 would "annihilate"
or "gut" a computer printer (I believe your e-mail mentioned it was a Canon printer) I can assure you that with a kill range of 1,350m and a 30 round
clip there is no reason to think that a close range assault on the printer, whatever it's recent "offense", would render it completely ineffective for printing purposes.
Finally, I would assume that a printer so devastated by an attack by one of our AK's would not be able to be examined for evidence of its involvement in a "theorhetical forgery case." I can't claim expertise in printing technology to say so definitively. Since CSI is on your network, maybe you could talk to one of those guys. My game
is small arms for home protection and hunting. Not computer equipment.
I hope to hear from you soon, and please let me know when this story you're working on will air. For the life of me I can't figure out how AK-47s and Canon printers would be involved in a story together, but that's why your the journalist, and I'm just a salesman.
Best to you and yours,
Barney "Guts" Petois, Manager
Little Pawn Gun Shop
Subject: Re: employment opportunities??
Dear Mr. Bradley:
I appreciate your writing concerning any open positions at our news organization and I can understand your concerns over recent changes, or as you called them "crazy-ass freewheelers f*%$ing up the network's credibility," at your current position
as a "60 Minutes" correspondent. However, we at FOX NEWS feel that you would ultimately feel constrained here as well. This is not to say that your journalistic integrity or prowess are to be questioned. Far from it. Trust me. That is most
definitely NOT IT. It's just that the "handwriting is on the wall," as it were. Your interest in leaving your position due to a LOSS of credibility is justified. Your interest in joining us is... well, to be honest, mystifying.
We do wish you the best of luck in securing a new position. Given the state of the market today you will certainly need it.
Cynthia Gorman, Assistant Manager
FOX NEWS Compound
Subject: NEED AN EXPERIENCED LADY??!!??
DEAR MR. BROWDER:
I UNDERSTAND THAT CBS HAS RECENTLY CHANGED HOW THEIR NEWS ROOM IS RUN AND THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN MY SERVICES STOP THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I VE WRITTEN TO YOU STOP MY FIRST EMAIL WAS SENT BACK TO ME WITH AN AUTOMATED RESPONSE STATING
THAT MY SUBJECT LINE INDICATED MY MESSAGE WAS EITHER PORN OR SPAM STOP NOT KNOWING WHAT SPAM IS AND CERTAIN THAT THIS IS NOT PORNOGRAPHY I AM RESENDING STOP
AS I SAID BEFORE I HAVE NOTICED THAT CBS NEWS HAS CHANGED ITS FORMAT RECENTLY STOP WITH THE ANGLE BEING MORE IN LINE WITH SENSATIONAL OR QUOTE-RESEARCHED-ENDQUOTE STORIES I THINK I MAY BE THE SORT OF ANCHOR YOU NEED STOP HAVE YOU SEEN MY INTERVIEWS
QUESTION MARK I HAVE A TECHNIQUE WHEREBY I MAKE ANYONE CRY STOP
YOU MAY BE CONFUSED BY THE FACT THAT I RECENTLY QUOTE-RETIRED-ENDQUOTE STOP THIS IS NOT FULLY TRUE STOP MY RETIREMENT WAS DUE MORE TO THE FACT THAT ABCS PARENT
COMPANY DISNEY WISHED TO REPLACE ME WITH AN ANIMATRON STOP FOR OBVIOUS REASONS I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN CONTINUING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM STOP
PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE INTERESTED STOP
SINCERELY BARBARA WALTERS
Posted by sferrell at 6:53 PM
October 28, 2004
The National Lip Synching Institute
A message from The National Lip Synching Institute
Thanks for your interest in The National Lip Synching Institute. Who are we and what do we do? If your lips are moving as you read this, you probably already know. If not, let me tell you...
Performing in public isn't what it used to be. Madonna's cone-shaped bras could only hold attention for so long, and unless you're willing to perform pornography on stage a la Christina Aguilera the audience will be yawning its way to the exit. What are you to do? Hey, hit the stage dancing, cavorting, and spinning like a top, of course. But, how can you possibly do that and sing at the same time? And, what if you can't sing in the first place, or if your album is simply the best recording out of the one-hundred you taped and you couldn't repeat it even if your singing coach sacrificed a chicken in your honor? Well, that's where the NLSI can help.
We'll teach you all you need to know to sing along with yourself (or someone else, wink wink) on a pre-recorded tape. This will open up hours of rehearsal time for all the leaping and jumping, not to mention going to Vegas to get married on a whim. Hey, Pepsi didn't sponsor you because you know how to stand front and center. It sponsored you because you act like you're hopped up on caffeine, so why aren't you?
If you study with the NLSI we guarantee results, and if you work extra hard you may even make it as far as some of our previous students. Superstars like Milli Vanilli, George W. Bush, and even Ashlee Simpson.
Don't forget, with the NLSI your lips won't be the only thing moving.
Posted by sferrell at 5:29 PM
October 25, 2004
Here is a thoroughly condescending CNN article about comics to film projects. There's not really much new here, except for a possible resurrection of an often shelved Superman project. What I find remarkable is that the writer of the article gives a tone of "silly, ain't it" even while talking about the astounding amount of money these projects make.
Why point out that it's unlikely that any awards will come for the filmmakers of "Batman Begins" just a few short weeks after Johnny Depp appeared at the Oscars for his nomination for best actor playing a pirate in a movie based on a Disney theme park ride? The tone is utterly snobbish.
Posted by mferrell at 5:33 PM
"A Series of Unfortunate..."
There's a series of young adult's novels called A Series of Unfortunate Events and it's being filmed for a theatrical release in December. Should be interesting. The series follows three orphans (the first book includes the death of the parents, so this is a Grimm's Fairy Tale sort of series; dark, forboding, pretty creepy) and the movie has a great cast. While I haven't seen a Jim Carrey movie in years (because I think he's somehow become a parody of what an actor is supposed to do) I think I'll take a look at this when it comes out.
Posted by mferrell at 5:32 PM